Florida Is Hotter Than a Two Dollar Bill in a Bonfire
Down here in the Florida swamp, it’s so hot the mosquitoes are sweatin’ and the squirrels are settin’ up lemonade stands. Even the gators are fightin’ over shady spots like old men at a Waffle House.
Now I ain’t no meteorologist, but I know when the Spanish moss is too tired to sway and Skeeter Ray’s wearin’ nothin’ but a wet bandana and hope — it’s too dang hot.
If you’re dumb enough to wander out into the Florida wild this time of year without proper gear, don’t come cryin’ to me when you melt into your own flip flops. But I ain’t heartless — I’ll help you out with some tried and tested cool-down contraptions. And yes, I make a little commission if you buy ‘em. Gotta pay for bug spray somehow.
- 🥵 Want to survive the heat like a civilized swamp creature? This cooling towel is colder than your ex’s heart and twice as useful.
- 🌬️ Don’t laugh till you try it — this rechargeable neck fan makes you look like a tourist at Epcot but feel like you’re in the produce aisle at Publix.
- 💦 This here misting water bottle ain’t just for show — it’ll turn your armpits into happy places.
- 🦟 And for the love of all that’s itchy — bring some heavy-duty bug spray . Without it, you’ll be donating blood to every no-see-um in three counties.
I ain’t tryin’ to become a fashion icon here. But if survival and lookin’ half decent in your Facebook photos matters, toss a few of these in your cooler next to the gas station boiled peanuts.
Disclosure: I’m an Amazon Associate. That means I earn a few cents if you buy from these links — but don’t worry, I’ll only spend it on bait, beer, and more bug spray.